A Marriage. Chris Fabry & moody publishers CHICAGO. Copyrighted Material-NOT Final File

Transcription

1 A Marriage Carol Chri Fabry & Gary Chapman moody publiher CHICAGO

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3 { tanza 1: } When do we tell the children? He aid it without feeling, without emotion, without giving weight to the word. He aid it a though he wa aking the latet tock price for Microoft or Google. Thee were hi firt word after nearly twenty minute in the car together. On our anniverary. After Chritma, I aid, matching hi evenne, hi coldne. Not tonight or tomorrow. Don t you think they know by now? At leat that omething up? e The Shortcut e Not David, he too young. Jutin ak quetion and jut look at me with thoe doe eye, but he keep it in. Becca i the one I worry about. 11

4 A Marriage Carol Kid are reilient. If they don t know, they ll undertand. It for the bet. For all of u. I hope he right. Now they ll have two Chritmae, he aid. The windhield wiper beat their own rhythm a wet now fell like rain. The landcape had retreated under the white covering, adding to a previou nowfall that hadn t fully melted. The roadway, where you could ee it, hone black with treachery from the moiture and falling temperature. Car inched along ahead of u on an incline a Jacob drove fater, crowding the car in front of u, looking for a chance to pa. Are you ure he ll be at hi office? I aid, looking out the window, bracing for impact. In thi weather? On Chritma Eve? He till there. I called before we left. The paper are ready. Doe he have a family? I aid. What? He aid it with a healthy doe of condecenion, and added a look I couldn t tand. The look I could live the ret of my life without eeing. Doe he have a family. A wife? Kid? I have no idea. More condecenion. I didn t know 12

5 The Shortcut that wa a prerequiite for you. It not. I wa jut wondering. Working on Chritma Eve. No wonder he a divorce lawyer. So much for a congenial dicuion. The ilence wa getting to him now and he flipped on a talk tation. I wa urpried he hadn t done that earlier. The clock howed 3:18 and a delayed Ruh Limbaugh wa going into a break. A commercial about an adjutable bed. Local traffic and the forecat. Snarled interection and cold weather reporting. Expect an even whiter Chritma. Several inche whiter. Maybe more. A cold front moving in and more precipitation at higher elevation. Can we liten to omething ele? I aid. He uppreed a huff and preed the FM button. Thi wa hi car o nothing on the FM dial wa pre-et. He hit can. He frowned. Punch it when you hear omething you like. I paed on Gene Autry and Rudolph. The ong brought an ache for the children. Epecially David who till believed in Santa and reindeer. At the next tation, Joe Feliciano wa down to hi lat Feliz Navidad. On the left ide of the dial, the local Chritian tation played yet 13

6 A Marriage Carol another verion of Silent Night. I couldn t tay there becaue of the guilt of what we were doing. Paul McCartney aid the mood wa right and the pirit wa up and he wa imply having a wonderful Chritmatime. I wihed I could ay the ame. The band Journey ang Don t Stop Believin, but I had topped long ago, at leat concerning our marriage. Thi wa not how we planned it twenty year ago, though the nowtorm felt imilar. Twenty Chritma Eve after I walked the aile in a dre my mother and I had picked out, I wa wearing jean and an old t-hirt, an overcoat, walking down the lippery road in neaker to a no-fault divorce. Three children and the bird would live with me (a dog made too much me and Jacob i allergic to cat) and he would move into an apartment after the New Year. Jacob promied to tay involved. There wan t another woman, a far a I knew, a far a he would let on. That wan t our problem. The problem were much deeper than infidelity. I hit the button on inger Imogen Heap. Nothing at all about Chritma. Jut quirky muic and a yntheized voice that took my mind off the preent, which i uppoed to be a gift, I know. I ve heard that. 14

7 The Shortcut I m done with thi road, Jacob aid. I m taking the hortcut. Over the hill? In thi weather? Two interrogative to hi one tatement of fact. It ll cut the travel in half. Nobody take County Line anymore. Don t you think we hould tay where they ve plowed? He ignored my entreaty and turned left harply. The rear of the car lid to the right. I grabbed the door handle intinctively a he corrected. He gave the Jacob head hake, and with hake you get eye roll and a igh on the ide. Trut me for once, will you? he aid. I wanted to bring up a million little way I ve tried to trut him. A million little way I ve been let down. For twenty year I ve earched for reaon to place my trut quarely on hi houlder. But how do you trut omeone who ha failed at the life you wanted? There were flahe of caring, a dozen roe to ay I m orry, but the roe wilted and died. And then we tarted on thi direction, him on the Intertate and me on the Frontage Road, eparate but till traveling in a emblance of the 15

8 A Marriage Carol ame direction. Two moon orbiting the ame planet, rarely interecting. I don t want the kid going to our funeral, I muttered. He lammed on the brake and I yelped a we went into another lide. Paive aggreive driving i hi pecialty. Fine, I ll turn around. Both hand to my head, tear welling, I hit the power button on the radio and heard myelf ay, No, jut keep going. # County Line Road ued to be one of my favorite drive. In ummer when the hill were in full bloom and Becca wa little, I would take the hortcut over the mountain to how her how other people lived, not jammed into houe o cloe you couldn t breathe, but on long, flowering acre with roaming cow, hore enjoying freh pature, and people living le like hamter on wheel and more cloe to the earth. A a child I dreamed of living on a hore farm, riding them every day, cleaning tall, feeding them oat and apple. But thoe dream died a low death, four hoove ticking out of the frozen now, along 16

9 The Shortcut with the dream about a happy family, a good marriage, fulfillment, purpoe, and a life-long love. Jacob flicked on the radio a we acended, obviouly diturbed by ilence again. Santa ighting by the chief meteorologit gave way to a nine-car pileup and a hutdown on the Intertate. Told you it wa mart to take County Line, he aid. I wouldn t call it mug. Jacob wan t capable of mug. He wa more a river of indifference. Perhap that wa it. He wa the river, I wa the highway. The paion wa gone. Wa it ever there? It hard to remember a fire when the ember are covered with now. Ye, it exited at one point, but then o did dinoaur. We had been advied that it wa better for u to decide on the ditribution of our aet, the houe, the car, and the kid, before we went to court. The attorney would repreent me, ince he couldn t repreent u both, but we had amicably decided the allocation of everything down to the bird and our cellphone becaue aid lawyer told u once the court got involved in deciding who get the wagon-wheel coffee table and what viitation right will be, thing go outh quickly and the children are the one who uffer. 17

10 A Marriage Carol Don t give control of the future of your family to a judge, the lawyer aid in our lat conult. A judge doen t want to be the parent. He or he want you to work out a plan that bet for the kid. Do thi now and you won t have to go through that pain in a courtroom. You don t want a judge chooing who get how much time with the kid. We were doing what wa bet. We were being grownup, trying to aborb the pain of our choice and the change that had made u uch different people. We were paring our offpring more pain, blocking acce to the horror how that wa our marriage. We were mile apart at the ame dinner table, in a bitter relational chill, kating on precariouly thin ice. And thi wa our effort to do the reponible thing; pull the family off before the urface cracked beneath u. We were alo aving Jacob a ton of money, which i what he really cared about. If he could have purchaed a divorce at Walmart, he would have. And he would have ued a coupon. Remind you of anything? Jacob aid, hi voice napping me back to reality. The commercial? No, the now. Remind you of anything in the pat? 18

11 The Shortcut Jut like our honeymoon, I aid indifferently. You didn t trut my driving then, either. I wan t worried about your driving. What that uppoed to mean? Heavy igh. Nothing. I wa cared that night. Scared? Of me? Scared about what we had jut done. That it wouldn t lat. That I wouldn t be the wife you wanted. Or that I wouldn t be the man you wanted. Gue thoe fear turned into reality, he aid, ticking the fork in the overdone turkey. Yeah. It jut took longer than I expected. I poke taring out the window at the early December darkne. Cloud blocked the un and hung over u like pecter, pilling wet tear from heaven portal. Higher we climbed, into the unincorporated, untarnihed mountainide. Long tretche of pature and wood tared back at me. He hook hi head and dipped the volume on the radio only a little. If it make any difference, I m orry it turned out thi way. Out of the blue, it almot ounded incere. I turned and found him looking at me. We were children when 19

12 A Marriage Carol we were married, which wa part of the problem. I do, had turned into famou lat word. Hi hair, once thick and buoyant, had grayed and receded in a forced march by the unrelenting takmater of time. He had refued to wear contact, preferring the ame tyle of glae that had gone out of fahion and returned like my favorite pump. Crow feet around hi eye, and roy, youthful cheek had turned puffy and wan. An objective viewer would ay he wa till handome in ome cherubic way. But I am not an objective viewer. Not that hi light weight gain made any difference to me. I alway thought he wa handome. Your iter called before we left, he aid, witching the ubject during my pregnant paue. I told her you d get back with her. My iter. The Chritian mother. Loving, kind, a weetne you could make a Blizzard with at Dairy Queen. And yet, unapproachable. A much a he aid he did, he couldn t undertand our problem. And wouldn t you know it, he had to confide in our parent and let them know our marriage wa on haky ground. He tared at me, but I couldn t look him in the eye. I ll call her after we ign the paper. 20

13 The Shortcut Hi eye were too much. Too blue. Nearly opaque. That wa the firt thing I remembered about him. Thoe eye almot penetrating the oul, it eemed. When I looked up we were nearing a curve, and through the haze and blowing now I noticed two headlight bearing down on u like our oncoming future. I couldn t cream, couldn t peak, jut threw out a hand and pointed. Intinct. Hi foot to the pedal. Steering wheel one way, then the other. Fihtailing. A truck air horn. Jacob reached out for me. Spinning. Weightle. Out of control. A now globe haken and dropped. 21