PIZZA MAN. (Offstage the drawers continue to slam. Julie starts to get up and head into the bedroom to see what s happening.)
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1 PIZZA MAN Optional Julie s phone conversation with Mr. Plotkin Alice enters the apt. as the telephone is ringing. Julie disappears into the bedroom. Julie. Alice, could you get the phone? Alice, the phone! Could you get the damn phone!!! (she returns) Why didn t you answer the phone? (Alice ignores her and disappears into the bedroom) Alice? (Julie picks up the phone.) Hello? (to herself) Oh God. (sweetly) Hello, Mother? How are you? (Offstage, drawers open and slam loudly.) Julie. No, I m fine, Mom. I was in the bedroom changing. (Offstage the drawers continue to slam. Julie starts to get up and head into the bedroom to see what s happening.) Julie. (bored) No, I m not going out tonight. Is that why you called? (As Julie heads towards the bedroom a jewelry box comes flying out of the bedroom door. Julie reacts.) Julie. I know it s Friday night, Mother. And it s a convenient night to go out But I just want to spend a nice quiet evening at home. (Several articles of clothing are thrown out from the bedroom and also a pink plastic vibrator.) Julie. Who? Mary Jo Sweeny Yeah? (Julie picks up the vibrator and looks at it.) Yeah. I went to high school with her Why? (Julie sits slowly in the armchair. Beat. She is used to having these kinds of conversations with her mother and speaks habitually now.) When did she die, Mom? (beat) What did she die from? (quickly) Mother, she had that in high school. She was a very sick girl. (Alice struggles out of the bedroom carrying a portable trampoline. With great difficulty she carries it to the front door and exits.)
2 Julie. Of course I m sorry she died. I m very sorry. Mary Jo Sweeny was a very sweet girl. But why do you have to call me every time a schoolmate of mine dies? I hate these tragic late breaking bulletins. (beat) I realize life is short and we have to go out and live it. But, Mom I m only staying home this one Friday night! (Alice enters the apartment and heads over to the couch. She collapses exhaustedly on top of it.) Julie. Mother, I can t deal with this right now. I have to go. Sarah Bernhardt just came home. (She hangs up the phone. She stares at Alice for a long moment.) Please. Nothing dramatic. Alice. I don t want to live. Julie. Should I sit down for this? Alice. (dramatically) A woman puts her whole heart and soul into a relationship. And what does it get her? Julie. I hate to ask. Alice. A pocketful of heartaches! Julie. A pocketful of heartaches. Alice. I did everything for that man. I gave him my life for thirteen months. I went to stupid hockey games with him. I went to cheap and sordid motels. I lost weight for him! And how does he repay me? Julie. I give up. Alice. ( the grand declaration) He went back to his wife! Julie. Oh brother. Alice. Is there anything to eat? (She heads quickly for the kitchen.) Julie. Hold it. Wait a minute. Did you have dinner? Alice. Twice.
3 Julie. (Stops her.) I m not going to let you do this to yourself. You ve lost 25 pounds in four months and I m not going to watch you gain it back in one night. Alice. But I m depressed! Julie. You always eat when you get depressed and then you get depressed because you ate. And then you eat again. Within a month you ll be back in queen size pantyhose. Alice. At least I m not an alcoholic! Julie. Don t attack me because you re upset. Alice. (noticing a beer in Julie s hand) That isn t apple juice, is it? Julie. (defensively) It s a before dinner drink. Alice. You smell like you ve had at least four dinners. Julie. We were supposed to eat an hour ago. I m not going to eat alone. Alice. Why not? You drink alone. Julie. Look, don t start. It was very pleasant before you came home. Alice. Fine! Maybe I ll leave! Julie. Fine. Leave! Alice. Fine. I will! Julie. Fine. Go! Alice. OK. FINE! (Alice exits quickly, slamming the door loudly after her. Julie takes a long swallow of beer, takes a beat and then crosses to the front door. She opens it slowly. Alice stands in the doorway sheepishly. The two women look at each other. Automatically ) Julie/Alice. (flatly) I m sorry.
4 Alice. (enters) I m so depressed. He went back to his wife! Do you believe that?! He s been telling me for over a year how much he loves me and then he goes back to his wife! I hope he has a stroke, the son-of-a-bitch. Jerry went back to his wife!!! Julie. I heard. Alice. (quickly) Who d you hear it from? (hopefully) Did he call? Did he call me? Julie. You. You just told me! Alice. I don t know what I m saying. I m so depressed. I have to eat. I can t cope with this. (She goes into the kitchen.) Julie. (Sits down on the couch slowly. Looking up at the heavens.) Not tonight. Please. I won t make it through the night. Alice. (screaming from the kitchen) THERE S NOTHING TO EAT IN HERE!!! (Hurries back into the living room.) What happened to all the food? You were supposed to go to the store today> Julie. (uninterested) I was? Alice. I gave you my twenty dollars this morning. You made a big deal about it. You said you wanted to do the shopping because I always buy diet food. Julie. I did? Alice. You said that if you ever saw another rye crisp again you d beat it to a pulp. Julie. I forgot. Alice. (incredulously) You forgot to go shopping? Julie. I guess. Alice. Terrific. (She paces.) I need food! I can t suffer on an empty stomach! Julie. Have a beer. Alice. (beat) Beer?
5 Julie. Or wine. There s some Spanada in the refrigerator. Alice. (Rushes into the kitchen. She returns carrying a six pack of beer, a bottle of wine, and a quart of scotch. Slowly.) Are we having a party tonight? Julie. I m not. Alice. Why do we have all this? (Julie shrugs. Suspiciously.) Where s my twenty dollars? Julie. Did you give me twenty dollars? Alice. Did you spend my twenty dollars on this? Julie. I think so. Alice. What s that mean? Julie. Yes! Yes I did! Alice. (pause) Are you drunk? Julie. I m getting there. Alice. Wonderful! My whole world explodes in my face and the one night I need someone to lean on to tell my troubles to and you decide to fall apart? Julie. (quickly) I m not falling apart. Alice. Whatever. Julie. I m not falling apart!!! Alice. (Pause. Stares at Julie. Quietly.) OK. OK. Julie. (beat) And what do you mean the one night you need me to tell your troubles to? What the hell do we do here seven nights a week? I m beginning to feel like Ann Landers. God help me if I ever have a problem and need your help. Alice. You re the most together person I know. You never have problems. It s disgusting.
6 Julie. That s what you think. Alice. You do have problems? Julie. Of course I have problems. Alice. That s wonderful. Julie. What? Alice. I was beginning to wonder. You never yell. You never get upset. Whenever anything goes wrong you just sit there and smile. It s infuriating. You ve got perfect teeth. Julie. Just because I don t run around telling the world I ve got problems doesn t mean I don t have problems. I have problems. Alice. (sweetly) Do we have a little problem tonight? Julie. Don t talk to me like that. Alice. Like what? Julie. Like I m on Romper Room and I just wet my pants. Alice. I m sorry. Excuse me I just want you to know if you have a problem I m here to listen. Julie. (Beat. Softly.) I do. I do have a problem. Alice. Oh thank you. I need that tonight. I need to feel needed. I really need it Julie. (interrupting) Can I get on with my problem? Alice. Sure. You wanna lie down on the couch? (rising) Let me get some paper. I ll take notes. Julie. Forget it. Alice. I want to listen. Julie. Just forget it!
7 Alice. I ll listen. Julie. FOR-GET IT!!! Alice. (Silence. Softly.) Please, Julie? Julie. (Pause. Quietly.) I yelled at Mr. Plotkin tonight. Alice. Old Mr. Plotkin with hearing aid? I always yell at him. He can t hear. Julie. No, I mean I really yelled at him. He called up about the music and I (beat) I called him an old fuck fart. Alice. (shocked) My God! Julie. I don t even know what a fuck fart is. Alice. (laughing) That s great. I like that. Old fuck fart Plotkin. I always wanted to call him something like that. (Stops laughing. Suddenly serious.) I was always afraid he d have a stroke or something. Julie. I took off my shirt and exposed myself. Alice. For Plotkin? Julie. Yeah. Alice. What d he do? Julie. I think he had a stroke. I m not sure. I thought I heard him breathing but I m not sure. Alice. He ll get over it.
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