Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 1. DEE DEE - YOKER EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY

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1 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ YOKER 154A EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. DAY IS WALKING DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE JOB CENTRE. Fuckin... heading to the brew. Heading to get my giro. And I pass this couple of buses at the side of the road. LOOKS AT A COUPLE OF DOUBLE DECKER BUSES AT HIS SIDE OF THE ROAD. FOLK ARE GETTING OFF THE FRONT BUS AND GETTING ON THE ONE BEHIND. OLD FOLK ARE NATTERING TO EACH OTHER UNHAPPILY. Everybody s piling off the front one and into the one behind. Auld folk like that This is ridiculous. Never used to be like this with the corporation buses. I was like that, I see, we ve got ourselves a breakdown. LOOKS AT THE FRONT OF THE BACK BUS. I checks to see where they re all heading. THE DISPLAY SAYS YOKER. Yoker. And I just pissed myself laughing. EXHALES A LONG SILENT LAUGH. Cos Yoker s one of these places I only know from the front of a bus. Never been there, don t know what it s like, it s just this pure fabled land that sounds like a pure mad egg yolk. INHALES A LOUD LAUGH.

2 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ A CONTINUED: So I was watching everybody getting on, trying to show their tickets to the driver, but he wasn t having it. THE DRIVER IS WAVING EVERYONE ON WITHOUT LOOKING. Just waving them on like that Aye, I know where yous came from, I can see the bus, what d yous think I am? Daft? A THOUGHT CROSSES S FACE. HE LOOKS TO THE JOB CENTRE. And a wee voice in my head said Dee Dee. I know you ve got to get your giro, but the brew s always gonnae be there. LOOKS TO THE BUS. (V.O) But this, on the other hand, is a once in a lifetime opportunity. Go for it. So I just went like that... SPEAKS. (CONT D) Fuck it. JOINS THE QUEUE. And I joins the queue. Second s I do it, the driver starts checking people s tickets. THE DRIVER GLANCES AT PEOPLE S TICKETS. I was like that Oh here, forget it. GOES TO LEAVE THE QUEUE. But I just got pure caught up in the slipstream.

3 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ A CONTINUED: (2) ANOTHER QUEUER STANDS IN THE WAY AND BOXES IN. Belting it towards the moment of truth at 100mph like a lamb to the slaughter. Heart pounding. Pulse racing. I was like that, this is like Midnight Express, I could get the jail here. IS STANDING BEFORE THE DRIVER. HE BEGINS A CLUMSY EXPLANATION. Right, what it is is... THE DRIVER WAVES HIM ON. (CONT D) Cool. WALK TOWARDS THE STAIRS. I did it. HAS A STUMBLE UP THE STAIRS. 154B INT. UPSTAIRS ON THE YOKER BUS. DAY IS SITTING ON THE HALF BUSY BUS, SITTING ON A SEAT NEAR THE FRONT, LOOKING OUT THE WINDOW AT THE JOB CENTRE GOING BY. SHAKES HIS HEAD AND SMILES AT THE INSANITY AND EXCITEMENT. So there I was, bird s eye view, whizzing by the brew like that, Ta ta giro, maybe some other day, ih? Cos I m on the bus... to Yoker, couldn t believe what I was hearing in my head, man, seriously. This was actually happening. SUDDENLY BECOMES RESERVED. But then I thought, hold on. Don t get too excited. There could be somebody looking at the back of your nut right now thinking Here. (MORE)

4 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ B CONTINUED: (CONT'D) Who s he? He s not from Yoker. He s got no business being on this bus. Get his head kicked, man. SLOWLY TURNS AROUND TO SEE IF ANYONE S LOOKING. Turned around to see if anybody was looking. NOBODY IS. IS DELIGHTED. Nobody. I got away with it. Just pure got away with the lot of it. LATER. IS LEANING OVER TO TALK TO MARY. So I loosened up and started chatting with folk, to get a bit of local knowledge before I got there. So this bus is for Yoker, aye? MARY Aye. I ve just moved there, is it good? MARY Aye, it s a lovely place, I ve lived there all my life, Yoker born and bred. Mind boggling. MARY IS CONFUSED. (CONT D) That you ve never once in your life wondered what Yoker s like. MARY IS VERY CONFUSED.

5 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/10 5. LATER. IS STILL TALKING TO A TIRED LOOKING MARY. Half an hour later, I start seeing the signs. SUDDENLY BECOMES ANIMATED AND SPOTS SOME SIGNS WHIZZING BY. Yoker Newsagents. Yoker Post Office. Yoker everything. GIVES AN EXCITED LOOK TO AN UNEXITED MARY. They even had a barber that rhymed with Yoker. Hair by Les... Porter. A SIGN SHOWS THAT. What are the chances of that? SPEAKS TO MARY. Here, what s the bets his name was Smith or something but he changed it to fit in. MARY What? 154C EXT. TERMINUS. DAY THE BUS SUDDENLY STOPS WITH A TSSSH. LOOKS OUT AND SEES THE BUS STOP. EVERYONE STARTS LEAVING. Gets to the terminus. And everybody starts piling off.

6 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ D INT. DOWNSTAIRS OF YOKER BUS. DAY IS THE LAST ONE ON THE BUS AND GOES TO SPEAK TO THE DRIVER. I hits the driver with my charms. TALKS TO THE DRIVER. Driver, when d you leave? DRIVER 5 minutes. I conked out and missed my stop, any chance you could gie s a ticket so I can nip off for a fag? THE DRIVER PRESSES THE BUTTON AND A TICKET IS PRINTED. (CONT D) Cheers. GOES TO STEP OUT THE BUS. And I puts my first step onto Yoker soil. STANDS OUTSIDE THE BUS AND LOOKS AROUND SLOWLY, MESMERISED. THE PLACE IS A BIT MISERABLE LOOKING. I was in Yoker. I thought this day would never come. Is it really this easy? Is it really this easy to get the things you want in life? You just need to hold out for it? A FLASH OF CONCERN CROSSES S FACE. Suddenly had the urge to just go Here, I m not from Yoker, I ve got no business being here!

7 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ D CONTINUED: ALMOST TRIES TO SHIELD HIS THOUGHTS WITH HIS HAND. I thought Calm it, Dee Dee, that s no laughing matter, they d tear you to shreds. Now, you ve got 5 minutes, where d you want to go, what d you want to do... in Yoker. I knew exactly what. LOOKS TO THE HAIR BY LES PORTER SIGN. 154E.EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY IS WALKING TOWARDS THE HAIRDRESSER S, LOOKING AROUND CAUTIOUSLY. I had to. I had to find out. I couldn t leave without finding out what this was all about. ARRIVES OUTSIDE LES PORTER S. HE LOOKS BACK TO THE BUS. Bus was a million miles away. I thought Dee Dee, you truly are in the outer reaches here, man. Middle of nowhere. WALKS THROUGH THE DOOR. And in I went into the great unknown with a fucking ding. THE DOOR ENTRY BELL DINGS. 154F INT. HAIR BY LES PORTER. DAY LES PORTER, A MIDDLE AGED MAN, IS CUTTING A MAN S HAIR. STEPHANIE, ANOTHER HAIRDRESSER, IS CUTTING A WOMAN S HAIR. THEY LOOK UP, SLIGHTLY CONCERNED ABOUT THE SHAMBLES THAT HAS JUST WALKED IN.

8 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ F CONTINUED: To ask the one big question. SEES LES. Les Porter? LES PORTER Yes? Has your name always rhymed with Yoker? Or did it used to be Smith... or something? A TENSE SILENCE FOLLOWS THIS CONFUSING QUESTION. And then I thought... Dee Dee, you ve just blown your cover. Big time. Fuck you playing at, man, go, go! SPRINTS OUT OF THE HAIRDRESSER S. 154G EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY BELTS IT DOWN THE STREET TOWARDS THE BUS. Got out of there before they started chucking their scissors at me like ninja stars. Before big Les scalped me and stuck my head on the wall. LOOKS AT THE BUS IN THE DISTANCE. Ten seconds to get to that bus, man, that s your lifeline. What does it start doing? Starts moving. I was like that Naw, man. Felt like giving up. STOPS RUNNING AND STARTS WAVING HIS ARMS AROUND AND SHOUTING.

9 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ G CONTINUED: I m not from Yoker, I m not from Yoker. I ve got no business being here! I m not from Yoker! A SWARM OF PEOPLE APPEAR FROM NOWHERE LIKE ZOMBIES AND ATTACK. Let them finish me off like a pack of mad wolves. REALITY IS STILL RUNNING AND RUNS IN FRONT OF THE BUS SLIGHTLY TO SLOW IT DOWN. But I just kept on running for my life like I had Leatherface on my tail. REACHES THE BUS DOOR AND BANGS ON IT, BUT THE DOORS DON T OPEN. DEE DEE LOOKS AROUND PANICKED. Gets to the bus but he wouldn t let me in. I was like that, set up, whole thing s a set up. 154H EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET. EARLIER THAT DAY HAS A FLASHBACK TO THE PEOPLE GETTING OFF THE BROKEN BUS. Them that were on that front bus, actors, the lot of them actors. 154I EXT. YOKER STREET. DAY THE BUS DOOR OPENS AND RUNS ON. Door opens and I bolts upstairs, right under the seat. Didn t dare poke my head up for the next half hour in case they were going by in a minibus, gasping to feast on me like a shower of zombie pirates.

10 Limmy's Show 2 Shooting Batch 7 28/09/ J 30 MINUTES LATER RUNS DOWN THE BUS STAIRS. Picked a moment. 154K EXT. STREET. DAY IS RUNNING AWAY FROM THE BUS. Up the road. 154L INT. S CLOSE. DAY IS RUNNING UP HIS CLOSE STEPS. Up the stairs. 154M INT. S FLAT. DAY IS INSIDE HIS FLAT, SLAMMING THE DOOR BEHIND HIM. In the house. Lock, lock, lock. LOCKS TWO LOCKS AND JAMS A CHAIR UNDER THE DOOR HANDLE. SLIDES DOWN HIS HALL WALL, LOOKING KNACKERED. Scary, man. Scary. PAUSE. But the best day of my life.

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