FUNERAL ARRANGEMENTS By Laurie Allen Copyright 1998 CAST: JOAN and VERNA JOAN: Mrs. Adams, I m Joan Dooley. The director at Dooley Funeral Home. VERNA: I know who you are. JOAN: So, how may I help you, Mrs. Adams? VERNA: I told you on the phone how you could help me. JOAN: Uh, yes You re interested in our pre-arranged funerals. VERNA: No, I just want to buy some lots. JOAN: Some lots yes, a very wise decision. Planning ahead is our motto. VERNA: Now Mrs. Dooley, I want to buy some lots for my family. I d like them all together in one spot. No, wait! Let s have them scattered about the cemetery just like my family. JOAN: Scattered about? VERNA: That s what I said. One here, one there just like my family. All over the country, they are. Spread out from Alaska to South Carolina. Do they care about my happiness about maintaining a close family relationship? JOAN: Um Yes, I understand. So, how many lots do you need? VERNA: Now, I ve already got a place for me next to Frank. JOAN: Frank? VERNA: My dead husband! JOAN: Oh yes, of course! Copyrighted material. All rights reserved. Caution: Professionals and amateurs are hereby warned that this play is subject to a royalty. Performance rights may be purchased from Dominion Publications. ALL FURTHER INQUIRIES CONCERNING PERFORMANCE RIGHTS, INCLUDING AMATEUR RIGHTS, SHOULD BE DIRECTED TO BROOKLYN PUBLISHERS LLC, PO BOX 248, CEDAR RAPIDS, IA 52406. (1-888-473-8521, www.brookpub.com.)
VERNA: But I need a couple more next to us on my side. Frank didn t do much for them in life. Don t see why he should get to be next to them in death. JOAN: (writing down the information) Two lots next to Mrs. Verna Adams. VERNA: One is for my granddaughter, Julie, and the other for her future husband. And if she never marries, then she can just give the lot away to whomever she wants to lie next to her. Hopefully it won t be some tramp or hobo that ll embarrass us all in the hereafter. JOAN: So you ll be purchasing two lots. Is that correct? VERNA: No! JOAN: No? VERNA: No! JOAN: I m sorry, but I thought you said you needed two additional lots next to yours and your husband s. VERNA: I do! JOAN: Mrs. Adams, I m afraid I m somewhat confused. VERNA: You may call me Verna. JOAN: All right Verna. You don t want to purchase the two lots we discussed? VERNA: Yes! I said I did, didn t I? JOAN: Yes, but VERNA: But I need more than two! The others I want scattered all about the cemetery! Remember? JOAN: Oh, yes. So how many lots will you need? Three? VERNA: No, more than that. JOAN: Four? VERNA: More. JOAN: Five? VERNA: Higher, higher. JOAN: Six? VERNA: Higher! (As JOAN continues to count, VERNA points her thumb up to indicate higher. ) JOAN: Six? Seven? Eight? Nine? Mrs. Adams? VERNA: (quickly) Verna, call me Verna! JOAN: Verna, how many? VERNA: You stopped at nine. JOAN: Ten? Eleven? Twelve? Thirteen? Fourteen? VERNA: That s it! That s it! JOAN: Fourteen? VERNA: Ms. Dooley, I want to buy fourteen lots.
JOAN: Fourteen? VERNA: Fourteen. JOAN: Fourteen? VERNA: Fourteen. That s what I said. JOAN: (writing) All right. Fourteen lots. All spread out. VERNA: That s right! All spread out! JOAN: And that is fourteen? VERNA: Yes! I want fourteen lots! JOAN: Spread out all across the cemetery? VERNA: Spread out all across the cemetery! JOAN: Okay. Mrs. Adams? VERNA: Call me Verna! Verna! Verna! JOAN: Verna? VERNA: Yes? JOAN: Why? VERNA: Why? JOAN: Why do you want fourteen lots spread out all across the cemetery? VERNA: Well, my daughter, Louise, has been married four times, so I think she should have a spot by herself. She s divorced now. Only 40 and already a disgrace to the family. JOAN: I see VERNA: And my son, Henry, swears he ll never get married, so he can be by himself, too. Henry s in prison right now. His should be off somewhere in a corner, away from everyone else. JOAN: I see. VERNA: And my oldest son, Alvin, who lives in Utah, has forgotten that he even has a mother, so he can lay clear across the cemetery from me! JOAN: I see VERNA: Just like my family all spread out. JOAN: How many children do you have, Mrs. Adams Verna? VERNA: Three. Didn t I tell you that? Louise, Henry and Alvin. JOAN: But you want fourteen lots? VERNA: That s what I said! JOAN: But why fourteen? VERNA: I want some extras. JOAN: Extras? VERNA: Well, you never know! Families grow! JOAN: Yes, yes they do. Children, grandchildren, greatgrandchildren.
VERNA: And Louise thinks she s pregnant. JOAN: Louise? VERNA: My daughter! And if Henry is released from prison, and that s a strong if, he might reunite with Sylvia. Sylvia has four kids. But those kids aren t getting my lots. They re a bunch of brats! JOAN: And what about monuments? VERNA: They can buy their own monuments. But I ll take one! A big one! Maybe even bigger than Frank s! JOAN: We have the deluxe version plenty of room to engrave a few words. Say, a favorite scripture, the names of your family, or something like that. VERNA: Yes, I want the deluxe! JOAN: All right. And would you like for your family to decide on the words engraved in your monument? VERNA: No! It s my monument and I ll decide what s on it! Let s see what do I want it to say? JOAN: A favorite scripture is always nice. VERNA: Okay! Write this down! Verna Adams a hard-working mother who instilled values and morals into her children And yet, even with all her efforts, she was left broken-hearted. Then put this in parentheses, except for Julie Hodges, her granddaughter, who was the joy of her life. Did you get all that, Mrs. Dooley? JOAN: Mrs. Adams VERNA: VERNA! JOAN: Verna, I m afraid that s a bit much I m afraid it won t all fit. VERNA: Then you ll have to order me a bigger monument, Mrs. Dooley! JOAN: Yes ma am. I ll take these notes back to the office and get started on this right away. VERNA: Oh wait, Mrs. Dooley! Give me one more! JOAN: One more? VERNA: One more on my side. JOAN: For a total of fifteen lots? VERNA: Yes. I can t forget about Oliver! JOAN: Oliver? VERNA: Frank hated Oliver, but he ll be on my side. JOAN: Fifteen lots. Three on your side, the others scattered about. Who is Oliver? VERNA: My precious baby?
JOAN: You have a baby? VERNA: Oh, he may be a dog, but he thinks he s my baby. JOAN: This is a human cemetery, Verna. We don t normally bury pets here. VERNA: If you want all of my business, you will. JOAN: (thinks a moment) And how many pets would you like us to bury? VERNA: Only my Oliver. JOAN: Now, for the last item. Your family members should have monuments as well. It wouldn t look right if you had one and they didn t. VERNA: Forget it. Don t have another penny to spend on burials and death. With all the money I m putting out here, folks will just have to remember my kids and grandkids without a monument. JOAN: But Verna VERNA: But nothing. You funeral people are too consumed with death and dying. I m saving the rest of my money and energy for living. You death-mongers are downright morbid. JOAN: Yes ma am. One more question. This leaves nine lots that you want scattered. You don t want your children too far away, do you? VERNA: Why not!?! They moved as far away from me as they could get. JOAN: We only have sixteen acres here. VERNA: Then only give me six of those lots. JOAN: What about the other nine lots you mentioned? VERNA: Never mind. They would still be too close to me. I m going across town to Johnson s Funeral Home for the rest. I don t want that ungrateful mob lying anywhere near my bones. (Blackout) END OF PLAY