Saltines And Salesmen. It appeared to be a normal day on July 21, 1972 on Pine Street, located in the

Transcription

1 Doug H. Literature and Composition March 7, 2018 Saltines And Salesmen It appeared to be a normal day on July 21, 1972 on Pine Street, located in the outskirts of Denver. No one knew of the war that would be waged here. House number 4414 seemed peaceful enough, when our hero, Mr. Gary Elbridge, 37, rolled up to his abode in his Ford. He just finished his white-collar job for the week and received his paycheck. His plans for the evening were to cook himself an exhaustively prepared microwave dinner and watch the T.V. movie Saltines of Doom. Gary was all set to watch the movie when a knock came at the door. He did not get up, but instead waited patiently for the opening credits to end. The knock came again. Again Gary waited. Soon there was a commercial break, right when the credits finished. Gary still did not answer the door, because he felt it was his economic duty to make sure the stock market didn t crash by buying the deodorant and insurance these companies advertised. Plus, with all the hard work, time and money people put into these commercials, he felt obligated to watch them. Gary got up to answer the door when the knock came for the fourth time. Fortunately for Gary, the movie just started, so he missed no commercials. Gary opened the door and was greeted by a fast introduction.

2 Hello Sir, how d ye do? Well, enough introductions. May I speak to the man of the house? Are you he? Good. I m Wendell Stevens, and I represent the Coolidge Vacuum Cleaner Co., and I am invading your personal life today and possibly interrupting some important commitment with my selling of the new model: the Coolidge Mucksucker 13, which doubles as a juicer. Can I interest you? Gary immediately regretted answering the door. He was fine with television commercials, because if the feeling obligation wore off, he could tone down the ranting, raving and extolling with the volume control. Human interaction, though, was highly unwanted by Gary. 30 commercials, at the rate of 1 per minute, at 30- minute intervals, were all Gary could stand. Gary reviewed his options with the speed to rival a hummingbird. He could (a): buy the cleaner and be done, go back to the movie, or (b): refuse, and go back to the movie. On the one hand, he had no need for a vacuum cleaner or a juicer (the juicer was installed in the toaster, and he vacuumed every other April). Of course, he had just felt obligated to watch the commercials and buy products. If I refused, he thought, I would pack my bags and go on a guilt trip as the salesman told me he had a family to feed. Now if I accepted, I would have to sign receipts, fill out forms the companies require, etc., which take a long time, and I would miss the first half of Saltines of Doom (then a blood curdling scream arose from the television, motivating Gary to get an move on). Even though the speed of his brain rivaled a hummingbird, hummingbird s brains will take a long time too if you have enough to think about. As Gary went on thinking, salesman Wendell thought about why he would be staring into space like he was. Then it hit him: He was having a coronary!

3 Sir, are you okay? Sir? Sir? said Wendell. Gary s mind went from the prospect of buying a cleaner to how to make the salesman leave in a timely fashion and without buying anything: fake a coronary. He slumped over, and boy, did it sure work. Wendell ran screaming into the street, looking for a phone booth to call an ambulance. Then Gary shut the door, and ran down to watch Saltines of Doom After failing to find a phone booth, Wendell decided he had better do CPR when he found the door he had left open was now shut. Suddenly he realized he had been sold a good one. Wendell took his briefcase and vacuum around the house, peered in a window, and saw Gary sitting and watching an advertisement for Maalox. Wendell tapped on the window, and Gary looked and saw a very irked Wendell. So what do humans do when they see someone with whom they shared an awkward moment? Gary pulled down the blinds. What do humans do when further irked by someone who irked them earlier? They develop a desire for revenge. Wendell went around the house, grabbed the ladder on his back deck, and climbed to the roof where he cuts the wires to Gary s cable. Instantly, the television turns to static, just before the mad scientist who mutated the saltines is revealed. Now, no one was is ever really sure of the events that happened next, as everyone else was eating their dinner, but everyone on the street could have sworn they heard a dog howl, followed by a series of words too uncivilized to put in print, and then multiple strange sounds that were described as like Someone putting an ax through the tube. I m sure you can guess what really happened. After the noise had subsided, Wendell climbed through a window, determined to sell him some

4 useless (to Gary) suction device, and he would invade personal property if necessary. Gary heard the window open, and went to see what it was. He saw Wendell lurking in the corner, ready to pounce as Gary walked by and then recite a repetitive reserve of persuasive salesmanship babble. Gary ran away with Wendell in hot pursuit and yelling, If you buy the Coolidge Mucksucker 13 which doubles as a juicer, we will give you another one free of charge, plus an extended 30-second warranty! Gary wasn t fooled. An extra thirty seconds on the warranty equaled a warranty of 40 seconds. He ran outside, around the house, and through the backdoor, and locked it. He ran around and locked the front door, and all the windows. Wendell, seeing he couldn t force his way in unless he broke a window, decided to wait Gary out. He would have to come out eventually. He sat and waited, while the sun set and Gary went to bed. Wendell s mind began to wander. He thought about how cold it seemed for July, and how it seemed it would snow if it got colder, and how it reminded him of Christmas, and how he ought to send his thank-you cards, and about the man who hides his face in a beard while invading millions of homes and leaving strange packages, and then flees to another country until certain the law wasn t after him, then returns to his remote lodge on sea ice... And with that thought a light bulb illuminated. He climbed up the ladder again, and started down the chimney. Gary had, unfortunately for Wendell, heard his climbing on the roof, and made like the three little pigs and started to build a fire. Before he could light the gasoline, however, Wendell stuck his head out and began to rave about the vacuum, bent on

5 driving his pay-by-piece upwards. Gary retreated, with fear in his eyes and a slowly weakening heart. Poor Gary! Minutes longer and he would succumb to throwing money away to a mad corporate entity in exchange for a mechanical floor cleanser! Wendell advanced, waving around the vacuum wand and swearing it works like a man possessed. Gary feared for his checkbook! A stumble backward announced Gary s approaching death by salesman! As he cowered on the floor in fear, an idea struck him! With a sudden surge of strength, he leaped off the floor and ran for the garage. He rummaged through the drawers until he pulled out his earmuffs! Even the despicable, repulsive salesman s screaming rants couldn t penetrate the earmuffs. Safe, until... Closing his eyes in relief, his earmuffs were ripped off! Wendell had taken the handle of a broom and used it to jerk them off of his ears! With rage in his eyes, he swung back the handle to strike Gary down! Gary ducked as the handle swung at his midriff, and jumped onto his car s hood as a swing toward the feet was made! Gary grabbed his own handle after jumping down, and now both men stepped onto the car to begin fighting like wild beasts! Swords clashed multiple times per second, teeth gnashed, unibrows dipped, and pupils turned to flame! Gary dodged, parried and counterattacked, slowly advancing as the depraved salesman retreated. Realizing he had little space on the car left, Wendell leaped down, twisting in midair, suit coat whirling, and landed like a cat. Gary, now on the offensive, pursued Wendell through the house until he had reached the front door. There it stood, locked, with the salesman on the inside, frantically trying to unlock it. Wendell turned, filled with malice toward his pursuer. This man was not going without a

6 fight. The clash that ensued was terrible to behold, each man swinging his makeshift weapon and bent on utterly destroying the other in colossal, humiliating defeat! Calling upon the aid of all that is frugal and conservative in spending, Gary again gained the upper hand! Seeing he will be inevitably defeated, the antagonist flees, breaking a window and running to company headquarters, swearing vengeance all the way, and promising to return with a horde of infantry salesmen, possibly in a sequel. But for now, the dawn breaks, a new day has come, and Gary was secure. Our story ends here, as Gary turned through the channel guide to find a rerun of Saltines of Doom.