WANTED! DEAD OR ALIVE! FOR Thievery, Sloth, and Mendacity

Transcription

1 On the night of The Festival of the Pie, a gathering of the greatest intellectual douches was had in Hitchcock Town Hall. A feast was prepared to feed the hungry souls in the style of Dat Donut. Everything went as should have gone, until approximately 10:43pm. A b of robbers stormed into the gathering place, stealing the food in order to quench their thirst for gluttony. They escaped the hs of the security. The Admiral of the Hitchcock Navy, our most likely citizen to have the strength spirit to stop a b thieves, is still missing at sea complete contact has been lost. The citizens have hereby decided to take matters into their own hs. For a hefty reward, the following perpetrators must be caught Dead or Alive.

2 David Livingstone. Resident of Section Three, where all is good. As can be seen in the last known photo of him depicited above, he loves the outdoors. He loves great weather, will most likely be found outside. Spring is on the way, so look for the basketball courts. These courts are typically where he commits his crimes. The Town of Anatomy has been gunning after this Basketball Bit for years. He makes a ruckus with his dastardly deeds from the hours of 8am-5pm. Because of this, Anatomy can never get any work down because they have the hearing sensitivity of a bat. Basketball will be banned in order to curb his incessant crimes, but hopefully we can catch him before this happens. He was also seen stealing Dat Donut.

3 Adam Getzler. Resident of Section TWO, l of the potential Law, Letters, Society Majors. In his last seen highly distorted picture, Getzler is showing his staunch food tastes. These food tastes have caused havoc across Hitchcock, forcing the great Maggie Borowitz to give up making her delectable study break treats. He must be stopped, thankfully Manny s Swiches were kept safe from his thieving hs. He also stole a Dat Donut.

4 Max Weiss, member of the notorious gang Double Max. They have silenced many members of the Hitchcock Community during their time. Our Beloved President John Bobka was silenced. The Social Loveseat has been missing for a week, can most likely be attributed to the man who is sometimes referred to as Free Market Max, seeing as in his free time he is an Econ Major who enjoys a good investment. Many of his profitable investments have led him to his ability to escape the law. The silence of IM Sports, Snell, Bartlett are attributed to him along with the theft of Dat Donut.

5 Marina Lopsided Clementi. Resident of Section Four, a prosperous section indeed. She is a curmudgeon that can only be surpassed by Tom Wood! The great work of art Hitchcock House TShirt was stolen from the venerable Julianna Estall. Hitchcock went to great lengths to turn this piece of art into a living exhibit in which all of its citizens would wear the traditional clothing of Julianna imprinted with the image of her art, but it had to be halted. The implementation of this idea is on indefinite hiatus until we recover this artwork, any other possible cidates when we catch Marina. This may not be until after spring break, but hopefully it is rectified soon. If you have any artwork or knowledge of where Julianna s piece is, please send it in to hitchcock411@uchicago.edu or bring it to a meeting..

6 Dake Kang. He is new to Hitchcock, but do not let that underestimate you. He is a crafty son of a bitch. No one knows how, but ever since he showed up in town the usually reliable Brian King has not been posting house minutes in the section 1 bathrooms. This has been attributed to Dake Donkey Kong Kang, ever since he has been on the run. Once he skipped town, he stole the princess, Alaina Bompeidi with her the $ that is Hitchcock s fortune! He must be found expediently. He found time to make it back to Hitchcock to steal a Dat Donut as well. Rumors tell us he sold the princess to Captain Jay Cushing of Scavhuntia hole d her up at uh crap cant remember wait wait.. don t tell me I can remember

7 Max Snyder, part two of Double Max. Many call him Melonhead Max, due to the red nature of his hair. He usually performs mail robberies, because of this there have been major mail delays in Hitchcock its neighboring towns Palevskia, Snell, others. For this reason, mail has not been getting out, leaving our own beloved Harc, Matt Goldenberg, without his weekly meeting. Because of this, Hitchcock lost out on a good chance to receive funding now we must think of new ways to get Harc funding for next quarter. If you find yourself disturbed by Max s deeply stressful incredibly angering deeds, the SCS has got your back. Literally. They will take your back, beat it with a cleaver until there is no way you will ever have tight muscles again, then give it back to you. He also stole Dat Donut.

8 Kyle Cum Cannon Gannon. Resident of Section 5, where all is good whenever the Cum Cannon isn t making his rounds. Once a well-regarded Condom Czar, the orgasmic feeling of cum turned him into a monster. He left his duties of Condom Czar for the past two weeks to go on a rampage. He struck down young Robert Lipman s possible scav fundraiser with a mighty splurge. He leaves wreckage wherever he goes, part of that wreckage was left when he stole a Dat Donut. This time, he left us with the looming date of April. Now, because of him, the April Overnights are coming. If we have 60% house participation we get 500 FUCKING DOLLARS JESUS CHRIST PEOPLE JUST TAKE A FUCKING PROSPIE AND HAVE THEM SLEEP IN MY ROOM ITS TOTALLY WORTH IT, THERES LITERALLY NO REASON NOT TOO