On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light.

Transcription

1 HUMOUR MAY 2018 AGGRESSIVE AND HOSTILE A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile?" "Yes, Sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.

2 ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET A lady about eight months pregnant got onto a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court. The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself. The man replied, Well your Honour, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn t help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, The Double Mint Twins are coming and I grinned. Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, Logan s Liniment will reduce the swelling, and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, William s Big Stick Did the Trick, and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honour, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!... I just lost it. WHEN YOU RE ON A FARM, PERCEPTIONS ARE A LITTLE BIT DIFFERENT A farmer drove to a neighbor's farmhouse and knocked at the door. A boy, about 9, opened the door. "Is your dad or mum home?" said the farmer. "No, they went to town." "How about your brother Howard, is he here?" No, he went with mum and dad." The farmer stood there for a couple of minutes, shifting from one foot to the other, mumbling to himself, when the young boy says, "I know where all the tools are, if you want to borrow any, or I can send dad a message." "Well," said the farmer uncomfortably. "No, I really want to talk to your dad, about your brother Howard getting my daughter Susie pregnant."

3 The boy thought for a moment, then said, "You'll have to talk to my dad about that. I know he charges $500 for the bulls and $150 for the boar, but I have no idea how much he charges for Howard." TWO BEGGARS AND THE POPE Two beggars are sitting side by side on a street in Rome, Italy. One has a Cross in front of him, the other is holding the Star of David. Many people walk by, look at both beggars, but only put money into the hat of the beggar sitting behind the Cross. After a while, the Pope comes by. He stops and watches the throngs of people giving money to the beggar with the Cross, while none are giving to the beggar with the Star of David. Finally, the Pope approaches the beggar with the Star of David and says. "My poor fellow, don't you understand? This is a Catholic country. This city is the seat of Catholicism. People aren't going to give you money if you sit here with a Star of David in front of you; especially when you're sitting beside a beggar who is holding a Cross! In fact, they would probably give more money to him just out of spite." The beggar with the Star of David listens to the Pope, smiles and turning to the beggar with the Cross, says, "Moshe, look who's trying to teach the Goldstein brothers about marketing!" TWO OLD MEN Russ and Sam, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Russ didn't show up. Sam didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something. But after Russ hadn't shown up for a week or so, Sam really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Sam didn't know where Russ lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Sam figured he had seen the last of Russ, but one day, Sam approached the park and lo and behold, there sat Russ! Sam was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, 'For crying out loud, Russ, what in the world happened to you?' Russ replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Sam. 'What in the world for?' 'Well,' Russ said, 'you know Sue, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop, where I sometimes go?'

4 'Yeah,' said Sam, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me, and at 89 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'. The judge gave me 30 days for perjury.' THE BARRACKS DOOR A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, 'Your barracks door is open.' Not a phrase that men normally use, he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, 'Your fly Is open.' He zipped up and finished his shopping. At the checkout, he intentionally got in the line where the lady was that told him about his 'barracks door.' He was planning to have a little fun with her; so when he reached the counter he said, 'When you saw my barracks door open, did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?' The lady (naturally smarter than the man) thought for a moment and said, 'No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on a couple of old duffel bags! MEMORY A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember. Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks. 'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?' 'Sure.' 'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks. 'No, I can remember it.' 'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?' He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.' 'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.

5 Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!' Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about twenty minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment, then says Where s the toast? ALWAYS WEAR YOUR UNDERWEAR A story from a newspaper in Brisbane told a story of a couple who drove their car to a shopping centre, only to have their car break down in the parking lot. The man told his wife to continue shopping while he fixed the car. A while later, the wife came back to find a small group of people gathered near their car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of hairy legs protruding from under the chassis. Unfortunately, although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned his private parts into glaringly public ones. Unable to stand the embarrassment any longer, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put his hand up his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband who was standing idly by watching. The R.A.C.Q. mechanic however, had to have three stitches in his head.