THE AMISH ELEVATOR. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out-

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1 THE AMISH ELEVATOR An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, Whatis this, father?" The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life. I don't know what it is". While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order- Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out- The father said quietly to his son "Go get your mother" IRISH SAUSAGES "Can I have some Irish Sausages, please?' asked the Irishman, walking up to the counter. The assistant looked at him and asked: "Are you Irish?' If I had asked you for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was ItalianT' demanded the Irishman indignantly. 'Or, if I asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if i was German?' Then, warming to his theme, he went on. "Or if I asked you for a Kosher hot dog, would you ask me if I was Jewish?' "Or, if I asked you for a taco, would you ask me if I was Mexican? Would you? Would you? The assistant said Well, no." Suitably encouraged by the success of his logic, and pleased to strike a blow against the Irish stereotype, the Irishman steps it up a gear. "And if I asked you for frogs legs, would you ask me if I was French?

2 "What about Danish Bacon, would you ask me if I was Danish? "Well no, I probably wouldn't" conceded the assistant. So, now bursting with righteous indignation, the Irishman says: "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Irish just because I asked for Irish sausages?" The assistant replied "Because you're in Bunnings you log! CARD CARRIER A Department of Water Resources representative stops at a farm and talks with an old farmer. He tells the farmer, "I need to inspect your farm for your water allocation". The old farmer says, Okay,but don't go in that field over there". The government representative says "Mate, I have the authority of the Government with me. See this card? This card means 1 am allowed to go WHEREVER I WISH on any agricultural land. No questions asked or answered. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand?" The old farmer nods politely and goes about his work. Later, the old farmer hears loud screams and spies the Water Rep running for his life and close behind is the farmer's bull. The bull is gaining with every step. The Rep is clearly terrified, so the old farmer immediately throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs Your CARD! Show him your CARD! BLUSHING TOMATOES A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn't seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbour. He had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentleman, "What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?" The man responded, Well, twice a day I stand in front of my tomato garden, naked in my trench coat and flash them. My tomatoes turn red from blushing so much." The woman was so impressed she decided to try doing the same thing to her tomato garden to see if it would work. So twice a day for two weeks she flashed her garden hoping for the best. One day the gentleman was passing by and asked the woman "By the way, how did you make out? Did your tomatoes turn red? " No", she replied, "but my cucumbers are enormous."

3 PLANNED MARRIAGE A woman in her eighties made the evening news because she was getting married for the fourth time. The following day she was being interviewed by the local TV station and the commentator asked about what it felt like to be married again at that age and would she share part of her previous experiences, since it was quite unique the fact that her new husband was a funeral director. After a short time to think, a smile came over her face and she proudly explained that she had first married a banker when she was in her twenties. In her forties she married a circus master, and in her sixties she married a pastor. Now in her eighties she is marrying a funeral director. The amazed commentator asked her why she had married men with such diverse careers. With a smile on her face she explained, I married one for money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go." A WINNING STREAK A blonde is standing at a vending machine putting money in the slot and collecting can after can of Coke. A bloke standing behind her is getting more and more impatient. "For heaven's sake, hurry up! And she says: Can't you see I'm winning?" INDOOR GARDENING Garden Grass Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why - a couple in Baltimore, Maryland had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing some of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze. It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants and when it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa. She let out a very loud scream! The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa. He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

4 His wife thought he had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance. The attendant rushed in, wouldn't listen to his protests and loaded him on the stretcher and started carrying him out. About that time the snake came out from under the sofa and the paramedic saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital. The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbour who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa. The neighbour, seeing her lying there unconscious, tried to use CPR to revive her. The neighbour's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches. The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbour lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that he had been bitten by the snake. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man s throat. By now the police had arrived. They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little green snake. The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife. The little snake again came out from under the sofa. One of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it.

5 He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over and the lamp on it shattered and as the bulb broke it started a fire in the drapes. The other policeman tried to beat out the flames and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car. Meanwhile, the burning drapes were seen by the neighbours who called the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire truck ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires and put out the electricity and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did put the fire out). Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car, and all was right with their world. A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night. That's when he shot her. MY LIVING WILL Last night, my kids and I were sitting in the living room and I said to them I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and being fed fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug." They got up, unplugged my computer, and threw out my beer. DIE IN PEACE Jake was dying. His wife sat at the bedside. He looked up and said weakly I have something to confess". There's no need his wife replied. "No he insisted I want to die in peace - I slept with your sister, your best friend and your mother". I know" she replied. Now just rest and let the poison work.